Tuesday, April 3, 2012

About this book (blog)


Following my bout with brain cancer, I reflected on my past.  In this book (blog), I tried to weave inspiring and enjoyable stories to create a helpful approach towards living a balanced life.  At times, it was me or others who lost and regained balance.  Thus, I hope that each anecdote allows the reader to see life and love in an uplifting way.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dedication

To the many courageous past and present 
authors and artists who have shined 
their inspiring light in my direction.

Acknowledgments

I sincerely thank those whose stories I was fortunate to witness and share. Friends, family, strangers, and others — without “you,” my words would be empty. With “you,” my words have meaning and are filled with the many gifts you have given.
I also must thank my first editor, Seba Fuller, in addition to all those who purchased, read, and shared feedback on the early versions of this work. Without your support, this book might just be series of thoughts and feelings floating between my head and heart.
All thanks to our Creator, who makes these moments possible.

Moving Forward

This feels kind of odd, because each morning for the last five years, I’ve written about how one can make efforts to live a “balanced life.” Yet for the last six weeks, I have not written in the mornings because I’ve “lost my balance.”
One morning, I woke up, and I could only move forwards. If I attempted to go backwards, I was totally thrown off. Everything was spinning. I soon went to an emergency room, and they said it was “vertigo,” gave me a pill, and sent me to a specialist who shifted me around and said, “It will go away.” A few days later, I could not do anything to my left, let alone find the clarity to do my morning routine of yoga, meditation, and writing.
At this point, something told me to visit a different emergency room, so (moving only forward and right) I went to Lenox Hill Hospital. I got there and spent most of that Friday getting MRIs, scans, and tests. At the end of the day, a pleasant, intelligent surgeon stood at my bedside. He showed me images and explained that they had found a brain tumor, and it needed to be removed as soon as possible because it was so close to my brain stem. Urgency mounted. So Sunday morning it was, and by that evening, the surgery was done, and I awoke.
After surgery, I was moved to the intensive care unit, where all sorts of wires and tubes were protruding from my body, arms, and head, in addition to the incision that went from my neck to the middle of my head. I could not hold food down for days and could barely move or sleep. All I could do was lie in bed and breathe. Yet, breathing on my own felt like such a blessing, knowing so many others needed a machine to breathe. Meditating and praying became somewhat difficult, due to the fact that I was on heavy painkillers and had a hard time getting a hold of my mind. Still, I found the strength to laugh, thinking, “I don’t stop working, do I? Because this seems like a pretty good time to test one of my many theories on regaining one’s balance.”
I think a question that runs constantly through the minds of people who get cancer is “Where did I go wrong?” In truth, it’s hard to pinpoint how anyone gets cancer, and I can only speak for myself, as my doctors and surgeons often drew the conclusion that my (cancerous) brain tumor probably developed at a very early age in my life. This explains why it is so rare for someone my age to develop this type of brain tumor. So, maybe instead of asking, “What did I do wrong?” I should ask, “What did I do right?” What did I do right to be living with cancer for, quite possibly, most of my life and not feel any of the effects of it until recently? Nobody seems to have the answer as to why cancer happens, and questions will continue to arise.
One question I will never forget is one I asked when I was researching this book years ago. I asked many top cancer specialists, “Is it possible for a cancer cell to live in an environment consisting solely of oxygen?” The answer was unanimously “No.” So I will draw the conclusion myself. If one increases his or her flow of oxygen, he or she can decrease the chance of cancer.
Next question: What increases the flow of oxygen? There seems to be countless things that can increase the flow of oxygen, yet the one answer I always end up with is love. It is love that makes friends, family, and even strangers reach out to help each other. I believe it is “love” that keeps me “Moving Forward.”

Degrees of Living

Every morning, I rise and feel that each day is a “gift,” a gift I have no choice but to share. It seems like it has been 40 years of trial and error for me, and any knowledge and/or wisdom I do have comes from these experiences of seeing myself and others lose and regain balance. If I’m given just a second more or sixty years, I shall continue to grow with my eventful education.
After what has gone on during the last year, I wonder what my capabilities still are. Lately, it has been hard to know, because I seem to be dealing with a new side effect each day, and that’s my latest line of work. But I still sit here thinking, “I need a job.” I ask myself, “In what direction shall I go? What kind of experience do I have? What education or degrees do I carry?” Part of me feels as if I have been in school and doing internships my whole life. Looking back, these experiences were my real “education,” as I took test after test to reach some kind of “degree.” Well, if this is the case, perhaps my schooling has allowed me to acquire the following.
I might say I have a “love degree.” I got this degree with a lifetime internship of falling in love with people, art, nature, humanity, and all creations. One skill that I did acquire throughout my studies and struggles has been the ability to find happiness, not only on the outside but through what I felt inside. This happiness came without conditions. It didn’t matter if I had money or not, a lover or not, and so on. I was just happy to be working toward my “degree.”
I have a “family degree” as a son, brother, nephew, cousin, and uncle. I also have a major in being a single father and minors in healing from a broken marriage engagement and years of “baby mama drama.” I have dealt with some family conflicts and witnessed a 35-year marriage end in divorce. I learned some valuable lessons from two wonderful parents. They cared for me from the day I arrived, and I cared for them on the days before they left.
Another degree I have is a “friendship degree.” Many times, I walked into the lives and homes of others, hearing the stories of a variety of people. They may have been sick, healthy, rich, poor, hate-filled, love-filled, young, old, or famous. I have witnessed people turn to addictions, some able to recover, while others took a different direction. As for my past homes, or shall I say “dorm rooms” in this analogy, I’ve had a large variety of roommates. Some were business people, artists, frat boys, athletes, people who were divorced seven times, people afraid to get into just one relationship, people with families, people without anyone, some desperately searching for love, and others who have all the love they need.
Hey, wait second! I did get one of those “school degrees.” I studied in Los Angles, London, and finished at NYU. But these “school degrees” did not come easily for me, because my whole life, I have had a “learning disability/dyslexia.” But I refused to let this stop me from getting an education. I went on to make some films, documentaries, television commercials, videos, and I also wrote a few screenplays and a book or two.
I’ve also acquired an “employment degree.” Along the way, I picked up a few jobs to support myself. To name a few, I spent four years as a janitor, six months as a bike messenger, two years as a store manger, four years working in bars and restaurants, two years as a photo investigator, two years as a hustler (majoring in crime and dishonesty), three months restoring pianos, seven years as a carpenter, and seven years as a street vendor. For 10 years, I was a video director, spending evenings in front of 20,000 people, meeting energetic fans, well-known entertainers, powerful politicians, and successful business people. I also had a job running art studios, arranging exhibits, and managing a storefront gallery. But the longest job I had and still have is as an artist, laboring with and loving photography, painting, and writing.
How does “society degree” sound? I guess that term will work for now. My education kind of started with an 18-year internship in being an Italian kid growing up in a town where, for the most part, one was either Jewish or African American. Over the years, I have seen a society that keeps changing. It used to take time in order to communicate to a person of choice, but now we have the technology to reach whomever you want in a split second. I’ve witnessed a time when we had very few computers and no digital media to current times and a world full of these things. I have seen the birth and development of hip-hop culture and its effect on our society. I have also seen a fearful society. I experienced the aftermath of living just a few blocks away from bombs in the London Underground, the riots in Los Angeles, and the World Trade Center attacks in New York City.
I might phrase another degree I have as a “community degree.” I have seen New York City’s youth grow up in public schools, community centers, parks, housing projects, group homes, or just on my block. Speaking of my block, I have seen my Harlem neighborhood go from crack houses to health food stores to corporate developments. I have also found homes for neighborhood stray dogs, as well as rescuing and raising my own. And for four years, I’ve seen society in an inner-city children’s hospital I visited each week.
I could not have done any of this without a “health degree.” I’ve studied and practiced different philosophies of healthy living. I’ve had a wide range of majors and minors. Some are cooking, and some are understanding both the physical and mental sides of various activities like yoga, basketball, and many others. I got these “degrees” because I wanted to maintain a healthy and happy life.
I guess I must also add that I have a degree as a “cancer survivor,” a challenge that has blessed me with the daily opportunity to better understand my mind, body, and spirit in ways I never imagined.
So, perhaps the above equals one “degree.” It is just a “degree in living.” It is the same degree we all have, but with different majors. Looking back at my own majors and minors, whether I passed or failed was not always important. What I learned was more important and how I used it in the next courses I took.
What is my next course? Or job? And what industry might I be going in to? It feels like I’m heading toward the “service industry.” But who am I serving? And what am I working towards?
I suppose I will be serving anyone who is willing to read what I have written or maybe even anyone who might be willing to test one of my theories. As for what I’m working towards? If I or anyone else ever gets there, we can call it a “master’s degree of life.”

The Tool of Vision

Thus far, each of the “degrees of living” that I worked towards tested my honesty, decision-making, and my ability to change. These little confrontations seem to be similar to the occurrences of others, yet many feel they have failed, while others feel they have passed with flying colors. Some people in my life have been the teachers, and many have been fellow students. Regardless of who was taking the tests, one common denominator has always seemed to surface. Most of this lies in our ability to see (S.E.E.). Our vision is the most powerful tool we can utilize to learn from all of life’s little tests and confrontations.
I often ask myself, “How should I handle these little tests? (A) Grade or judge them and say I passed or I failed, or (B) Share what I have learned in hopes of making the next test easier to take. I think I will choose “B” and do my best to share my approaches toward using our “tool of vision.”
I am not sure of the exact situation, but I started to look at vision like a tool. I saw this “tool of vision” to be no different than any other tool that makes our lives easier and more efficient. The better shape this tool is in, the more enhanced our ability to see is (S.E.E.). Some seem to be masters with it, while others need to repair, sharpen, and clean their tools to ensure that they are in proper working order.

S.E.E.

My goal is to see myself and others living a healthier, happier life. On the road to this goal, I feel it is important to both focus and broaden our definitions of three main areas that strengthen our vision — “sleep,” “eat,” and “exercise,” equaling S.E.E.
Sleeping is the energy your mind, body, and spirit rest.
Eating is the energy your body, mind, and spirit receive.
Exercising is the energy your body, mind, and spirit gives.
So, to access my own tool of vision, I had to come up with a plan to ask myself the right questions in order to understand the energy I was resting, receiving, and giving. I call them the Eighteen Elements of Vision.
-------------SLEEP,EAT,EXERCISE --- MIND,BODY,SPIRIT-------------- Who,What,Where,When,Why & How --- See,Hear,Smell,Taste,Touch & Sixth Sense.
From this list, I was able to cross-reference any of the elements and create a question that would give me better awareness on states of happiness or suffering in my past, present, or future directions. I would usually start with understanding the energy and grouping it into the basic elements of Sleep (resting energy), Eat (receiving energy), or Exercise (giving energy). Then, I could go into further detail as to which of my senses was affected. This might seem to be an overly analytical process, but often, to grasp what causes our happiness and sufferings, it takes this kind of self-reflection. As a result, our realizations will sharpen our vision and our ability to be reasonable with our future circumstances.

S leeping — Resting Energy

Nature supplies everything with a quantity of energy. The amazing thing about the human species is that we have the ability to take the energy we are given and change its quality. As a result, with the healthy cultivation of this energy, we feel as if we have more energy. Perhaps the truth is we only changed the quality of this energy, not the quantity. Resting, recharging, and rejuvenating energy seems to have the power to change its quality. The power of this transformation starts with knowing when this time comes.
After and during the time my mom was letting go of her mind and body, I clearly felt the need to exercise. And I did, although this time, I no longer had a studio or at least a studio with a roof on top. But this was fine, like any other studio I occupied. I first looked to see if I had daylight in which to work. Now my studio was the streets of New York City, and there was plenty of light and an abundance of dense energy inside me and surrounding me. So I got it all out of my system once again for the next two or three years by painting the iron circles and surfaces in this city “that never sleeps.” From one manhole cover to the next, until each ounce of pain dissipated into the already restless pulse of the streets. I truly did not start really resting my energy until I parted ways with my job of 10 years at Madison Square Garden. It was then that I soon realized it was time to sleep on the process of taking in energy, whether it was the twenty-thousand people I worked with and was in front of each night or the one person inside of myself. These days of rest consisted of trying to sell all I had created in the past few years, seeing my daughter off to school, and picking her up on any day I was asked or allowed to. I would take odd jobs, and with every ounce of energy left over, I did my best to get to a place where I could rest and write what you read today.
My word seemed like a good place to start in transforming what surfaced as I rested. Although, at times, I saw my word like the battery supplied on a cell phone. Talk-time used up more energy. Even though sometimes talk can charge you up, the power lies in choosing who, what, where, when, why, and how much we talk. The first question I asked myself was “Who do I talk to?” The answer, at the time, was to pen and paper.
At first, it took some time to rest the reactive energy I possessed. Thus, I often found it a priority to allow the essence of myself to remain still. Sometimes, this took suspending all of my judgments and definitions of success. Though I was “resting,” I worked at finding the “now” not by searching for it, but rather allowing my mind to arrive at a state where the “now” naturally surfaces. With this, I was often given the efficient ability to improve the quality of my energy.

E ating - Receiving Energy

I used to think of “eating” as only food that entered my stomach, but now I see it as any form of energy that comes through my senses. Our choices of what to eat are essential to our ability to use our “tool of vision.” For example, in terms of edible food, we might eat a particular food and experience the affects of it seconds or hours later. Or it might have an effect that could trigger us to decide that we absolutely do not want to eat this food again for the rest of our lives. Or we might crave it every day.
If we broaden our perspectives of eating, we might realize that, from the moment we rise in the morning, we start eating. We eat the temperature of the room and how the daylight makes us feel. We can eat all kinds of things. We consume the energy of our kids waking up nervously from a bad dream or our anxiety about starting a day at work. Maybe we eat the fact that we might be single and longing for a partner to wake up next to or wondering how to fix our troubled relationships. As a result, we can still be digesting the energy we consumed yesterday, in the past month, and so on. Many of these experiences can alter so much, including our health.
Anyone who knew my dad even vaguely knew that he loved to eat. Outside of his eggs, toast, soup, and big Italian meals, what else did he love to eat? It was all the kinds of energy, be it music, traveling, church, the courtroom, nature, his family, or friends. His menu went on and on. I think most of all he enjoyed the process of eating and being in the company of the people surrounding him at the above dinner tables. Sometimes, it seemed that no one could stop him from eating all of the above energy or even just his lunch. (I can only reflect on and laugh at the times when I was a young kid sitting in the back of the courtroom, watching my dad argue a decisive civil case and asking the judge if he could approach the bench. He argued his case as to why he needed to have his lunch at this very moment, which ironically was usually granted, so even the law could not stop him.)
Most outcomes of his eating were positive because of his pure motivation toward the happiness of others, as well as himself. Some might have noticed that my dad would sometimes overeat. When I look at one of my dad’s overeating habits, I formulate the hypothesis that perhaps he failed when it came to respecting the power of the sun. As he consumed its energy, any moment. Often, it was at its strongest for hours, year after year, until the year came when he saw and felt the affects of his unbalanced consumption. He developed skin cancer. And then the day came where he could not eat any longer, and his mind and body moved on.
That was just one effect of his choice of eating. Another affect was my dad’s hunger for life, and as a result, this eating habit has been instilled in so many that he left behind. How did my dad digest and work out all of his energy? It was often with his tools to communicate, mostly his voice, a voice that inspired me to write and a voice that always told me:
“Nothing gets to the intellect that doesn’t go through the senses.”

E xercising - Giving Energy

Many people think of exercising as working out. This is not far off because, throughout our days and lives, we are constantly taking in energy, and a lot of times, we have to find a way to work it out so we can feel more at peace.
I remember a time when I was up late one night in my “non-living” art studio that I lived in. It was a raggedy old place, but it met my needs for an art studio. As far as living was concerned, it was a stretch. It was a stretch to the studio across the hall to use the toilet and sink. It was a stretch of a few blocks so I could shower at the gym. Outside of the living obstacles, the one-hundred-year-old room felt like the right place for me. I needed a place to put out all of the energy I had taken in. For example, in the months before this late night, my dad died of cancer, followed by my daughter’s mother breaking off our engagement and my being forced to move out, in addition to all of the other trivial dramas thirty-year-old men face. So I just needed a safe place to put my love and pain, and this studio and my art ended up being this place.
For months, I would use the materials I discovered for my photographs, and I sculpted a frame for each photo. I exercised using wood, plaster, iron, paint, glue, glass, aluminum, vinyl, rubber, tar, and all that I got my hands on, until this night came. I took a deep breath as I stroked my dog's head and looked around the studio. My job was done, and the work was completed. Although I felt somewhat helpless and empty, maybe this feeling was what I was aiming for if I were to get the energy out of my system. As I attempted to sleep on the beat up old brown couch, my little voice or “sixth sense” said, “Photograph the work… now.” I listened and stayed up until sunrise with an unknown urgency, taking shot after shot, leaving just a few shots left in the roll.
I thought, “Now I can rest without an ounce of energy left in me.” I dropped back on the couch. A moment of silence passed and then Luke, my dog, rushed to the window as a thunderous roar was heard. I darted towards the window, looked out, and there was a huge hole in the building just a few blocks away from my studio. I was speechless. My dog was panicked. I said to myself, “Maybe I’ve fallen back asleep, and I’m dreaming.” To try and reassure myself that I was not sleeping, I picked up my camera, went out on the fire escape, and took a few shots of this hole. When I heard another roar, I was assured. This was no dream. An airplane had crashed into the building next to the other burning building. Now, in the months that followed, I was being served more and more energy that I needed to get rid of (or exercise), whether it was the few thousand people I witnessed die or now my mother struggling with cancer.

I later reflected that maybe the cause of these two events — my mom dying of cancer and the attacks of 9/11 — was the result of the same thing. Perhaps someone could not find the right place or right way to exercise the energy in his or her system. For my mom, it became clear that she did not work out many emotional factors, and I feel it destroyed her on the inside. As for 9/11, I think many failed at working out their wars on the inside, and thus it destroyed others on the outside. Either way, someone did not feel there was a safe place in which to work out his or her love and pain.
There are countless ways to work out the energy we naturally cannot get rid of. The key is finding an “exercise” that is both beneficial and not detrimental to ourselves and others

Inventing “A” Wheel

In my efforts to get a better grasp on how I give, receive, and rest my energy, I began to understand the importance of awareness, adjustment, and acceptance. It soon became the three-spoke wheel that constantly turned inside of my head. The first spoke was being aware of the challenges I face, then turning to the next spoke of learning how to make adjustments, and then lastly rotating around to either accepting the outcome of my adjustments or starting the rotation in motion again. This three-spoke wheel sometimes rotated once, or it turned for years until I finally accepted where I was or wanted to be.
This wheel of the “A’s” usually turned the most when I faced “challenging energy.” For many of us, this “challenging energy” is when we are “working on a relationship.” Whether they are major or minor parts of our lives, our list of relationships goes on and on because we are always “working on a relationship.”
In the past six months, never more had the wheel of the “A’s” kept turning in my head. This was because, once again, I was “working on a relationship.” From the moment I awoke from brain surgery, the “relationship” I was to be working on was my “relationship with healing.”

Awareness

The first spoke on the wheel of the “A’s” is to be aware of what is happening and what is needed. But becoming aware takes more than just understanding the external elements. It also takes reflecting on what you might have learned from your past and what is at stake in the present.
As I laid in bed in the intensive care unit, I did my best to become aware of how I was eating, exercising, and sleeping. Eating was not happening, as I could not keep any food down. As for exercising, it was only (understandably) mental (if that’s possible). As for sleeping, even that was hard in the midst of tubes, wires, beeps, and constant monitoring. (Many times, it seemed to only be just me and this “button” for the nurse.) Yet I thought, “Maybe if I exercise my mind and get to a peaceful state, I could get some rejuvenating rest.” This was not as easy as it was in my past days of prayer and meditation. Here I was on all kinds of drugs to kill the pain. It seemed like the painkillers were making it to harder to use my mind. If I wanted to make an adjustment, I would have to deal with a little more pain in hopes of gaining more control over my mind.
With many of the relationships we might be “working on,” be it with ourselves or others, there will be times when we’ll be doing things that we “don’t like.” I think why many keep moving forward is that they’re able to see the bigger picture of “why” and what is at stake. Many times in my own past, I have avoided a lot of “why” questions that were squeaking from the first spoke on the wheel of the “A’s.” As a result, when the wheel turned to the next spoke of “adjustment,” I would lose my balance.

Adjustment

When I look at many great relationships, I see that people develop their stability in the early stages by being flexible and understanding boundaries. I find it is most important to be flexible in terms of our actions. Many times, we need to make adjustments within a fraction of a second. At these times, we have a choice to react or respond.
I responded by calling the nurse and asked for my pain medication to be decreased. It was not easy, and I had to be flexible, but later that night, I was able reach a peaceful state in my meditation, and the pain felt less like pain and more like healing.
There may have been times in the past when we needed to react. This often happens when there’s less time to communicate. I saw this in my days of being in and around hospitals and seeing professionals react within seconds. As for myself, I find that responding usually works better than reacting. I feel the main difference is responding gives you more flexibility. Thus, responding gives more space, and to be flexible, you need to have space to move. When communicating, you need the mental space more than anything; if not, you or someone else might feel stifled or imprisoned.
Lastly, this brings me to the other part of adjustment that has to do with boundaries. This is where it is important to first communicate with ourselves about becoming aware of our own personal boundaries. Then, we can communicate more clearly with any outside forms of energy. At this point, we have the power to communicate any ideas of adjustment. Flexibility and boundaries will change over time, but this is when the wheel of the “A’s” will turn toward the next spoke of acceptances, and we realize how much we will accept before we decide if and when a change is needed.
I realized that, over the past months, these adjustments and the choice to react or respond was not the only thing I was doing. It was what many nurses, doctors, friends, family, and sometimes strangers were all doing to help others, as well as myself. This is why I feel it is so important to truly understand the many adjustments we each make in our relationships.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the last spoke on the wheel of the “A’s.” Often, it feels like the first step towards truly overcoming the many challenges that come our way. The root of acceptance lies in our own understanding of accountability towards the questions, answers, and actions we face each day. But even though we might embrace our level of accountability, we are also faced with the choice of accepting the direction of the wheel of the “A’s” and where it has taken us.
The question now was, “What next shall I accept?” Well after I left the intensive care unit, I was off to a rehabilitation center to rebuild my brain and body.
It has now been over a month, and I have been released from the rehabilitation center. Doctors tell me that they have “only seen less then 1% recover from what I went through as well and as quick as [I] had.” Although this was reassuring, something told me my journey was far from over. As I was being discharged, I remember the physical therapist telling me, “Paul, just keep working on balance.”
I thought, “Balance… ha!” Isn’t that where my journey started in the first place, and isn’t it where so many of our journeys seem to end? I wonder why I keep striving towards balance and sometimes even seem obsessed with it. I think it is because balance allows me to accept things for what they really are, “the truth.”
Most recently, “the truth” is that I need to make a choice now that this “cancerous tumor” has been removed. Luckily, all of the scans, X-rays, and spinal fluid show no trace of cancer in my system. So, I could continue on with my life, hoping cancer doesn’t return, or I could choose to do radiation and/or chemotherapy and kill any cancer cells that might have gone undetected. If I choose the chemo or radiation, there is a long list of side effects that will most likely change the way I live my life. But there is also a long list of other things I need to accept in making my decision. I need to accept all of the facts and stats. I need to accept the countless opinions of doctors, professionals, family members, and friends. I also need to accept the little voice inside of me. Most of all, I think need to accept the “fear of change.” So many, including myself, fear change, but the truth is it will always be there, because “change” is what makes this world work.
If we do not accept the direction and the outcome of our adjustments, then the wheel of the “A’s” will keep turning until we put on the breaks. There is nothing wrong with rolling, though, as long as with the rotation, we see what is at stake before we move on.
Our mind is the hub. Our world is the rim. Our spokes connect the two. Each rotation can put us in the right direction.
Ultimately, getting to any destination on the wheel of the “A’s” can put us in the right position to develop a good sense of timing. Thus, we can know the right time to stop or go and when to accept the truth of any kind of relationship.

Timing

Timing can directly affect the performance and destiny of our own life, as well as the lives of the ones around us. One second can change the outcome of our lives for years. Something I have witnessed is that, when one’s motivation is pure and honest, timing will come naturally.
One of the first films I ever made was in Los Angeles, California. I was in school, and two days a week after class, I picked up a 10-year-old kid, Tony, from grade school. His mom contacted the school looking for someone to be a Big Brother to her son. Tony had no siblings, and his father was nowhere to be found. Tony and I would cruise around in my old (1974), beat up, lime green convertible VW Bug. I would occasionally verbalize a few of my life lessons, but usually, we were busy engaging in activities that helped him to confront obstacles, like dealing with a bully on the playground or not being able to perform a task he desperately wished he could do.
Once a week for about an hour, Tony had tap dance class. I would take him to a small, storefront school in San Pedro. While Tony was in class, I would wait outside. I would talk to some of the parents, but mostly, I talked to the people who managed the dance school. In our conversations, they mentioned their parents and how they started the school years back. They seemed so proud of their parents’ accomplishments. I became eager to meet these two talented, ambitious people who their children, as well as everyone else in the dance school, held in such high regard.
The next week, Tony and I arrived at the dance school, and while Tony was putting on his tap shoes, I peeked into the dance studio to see if class had started. What I could see as I peeked around the corner was one of the most graceful exchanges of love I had ever seen. Without any effort, these two seventy-five-year-olds eased each other into any dance movement to feel as one. I did not need any introduction. I knew that this was the couple that everyone in the school was talking about. This was Roslyn and Alva.
When my film professor gave me the assignment to make a documentary, I decided to feature this couple. To prepare, I visited their home and asked plenty of questions. I also talked to their friends and family. Then came the day we were to interview Roslyn and Alva on camera. I learned so much about this couple, from their history as immigrants to being backup dancers and stunt doubles for the famous Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. They had also been accused of being communists and were blacklisted in Hollywood during the ‘50s. But the one lesson I learned that I will never forget is the importance of timing. I remember Alva telling me both on and off camera about how important it was to have good timing in dancing and in life. He would say, “I can know how to do all the greatest moves, but if I don’t have the right timing, I'm not a dancer. I’m just a guy who knows how to do all the great moves.”
As with most of my finished projects in film, photography, painting, writing, or whatever I set out to conquer, I judged my success on what I learned, in hopes that others might learn as well. I sometimes still hear Alva’s voice in the back of my head at all sorts of times. Sometimes, it’s when I’m dealing with family problems, or at other times, I’m just giving directions to a comedic actor. I’ll think, “You can know all the jokes in the world, but if you don't have a sense for timing, you are not a comedian. You are just a guy who knows all the jokes in the world.” The timing of shooting the film about Roslyn and Alva was ironic. I believe the same day I met them was the day I got word from home that my dad and mom were separating after 35 years of marriage. And there I was, on the opposite coast, witnessing a marriage still going strong for over fifty years. Timing, huh?
This is just one example of the importance of “when” we receive different forms of energy. In this case, the two forms of energy seemed to balance each other just when I needed it.
A good sense of timing starts with motivation and ends with patience. When it comes to patience, I agree with the phrase, “Good things take time.” But I must also add, “The best things are forever” (Freedom, Faith, and Love). If we are motivated by love for others as well as for ourselves, then we can achieve the best things in an honest way, which can last forever.

Balance

“The City that Never Sleeps”
New York has been called “the city that never sleeps.” This can be very true in the aspect of balance and how unbalanced the city can be at times. So many New Yorkers do not seem to know “when” or “how” to rest and replenish their cells. It just seems to be a place where people are constantly “eating” and “exercising” energy. But, when it comes to “sleeping” or truly resting energy, it’s put on the backburner and often receives very little attention.
The “old New York Paul” could do 20+ things minimum a day, yet it is the “New New York Paul” who is happy doing just one. It was such an adjustment after surgery and radiation, as I kept searching for the connection between my mind and body.
My MIND would say: “Sure, you can do that no problem.”
Then, after I did it, my BODY would say: “What the hell did you do? I need to rest and replenish my cells.”
Replenishing cells comes naturally to us, but the key is finding the right balance in doing so. I think this is why New York becomes a very transient city, because it is such a stimulating place that drains people’s batteries. Many have to run away to recharge. They have a hard time resting, just to rise early in the morning and run the same exact race every day that they never seem to finish. Why don’t they finish? Because there is always someone else ahead running faster, and many are constantly trying to catch up to and out run him or her. This, at least, is the perception. The one aspect that I work at daily (in hopes of keeping me sane, or so I think so) here in New York City is taking the time to ground myself, be it meditation, prayer, or honest reflection on how I will run my race. Often, I’ve realized that, if I set the pace and work at feeling my own rhythm, it will determine my sense of balance. Sure, there will be times when people will want me to run at their pace, but once I have given an honest effort, it is important for me to determine if this is a healthy pace for myself and if I will remain in balance. If not, then perhaps it may be time to make a few adjustments towards a change.
I find that many people become frustrated and disappointed by not being at the same pace of others, so they prematurely drop out of the race. The problem with this action is that many do not take the time to wind down and learn from their efforts, and they do not change before giving up. They just start the process all over, jump-starting the next morning by hopping on someone else’s train. They don’t take the time to figure out their own natural pace. In whichever environment we live, whether it is New York City or somewhere else, it is important to determine the balance and pace that works for your life, whether it is running a race in your job, social life, family, or your dream.
In life, there are various situations that can land on our scales. Some can be heavier than most, or at the very least, they appear heavier than others. This is when our “tool of vision” helps us to determine the accurate weight of the object that just landed on our scale, tipping our balance to either healthy or unhealthy. With the right determination, we can choose what needs to be placed on the other side of the scale to maintain balance or what might need to be taken off in efforts to set the right pace.

Pace

The power of your own pace can drastically change the pace of others around you, regardless of whether it is one person in a small room or a stadium of thousands. Even the smallest hand can hold the power to change the pace and lives of others for a second, a day, or a lifetime.
My daughter was at least six months old in the womb. A young, bright-smiling nurse rubbed the cold medical gel over her mommy's stomach and attached a few cords and wires. Beeps and bells began to chime at a steady pace. Suddenly, the consistent sounds stopped. I looked at the young nurse, and her bright smile was fading. Quickly, she began to shift and adjust the wires, prods, and pads, and she repeatedly checked the computer monitor. An occasional chirp or blip was heard, but nothing like before. I quickly grabbed Mommy's hand, sensing the level of fear that was building in this now claustrophobic examination room. The nurse bolted into the hallway and grabbed the first doctor she could find. The doctor entered with a fast yet controlled energy. She checked a few cables, hit a few switches on the monitor, and then detached everything. She turned to us and said, "We’re going to bring her into the other room." The nurse pulled a wheelchair out of the hallway, and the doctor wheeled Mommy down the hall with a uniquely calm urgency. I followed closely, as we rushed into the new room. More wires were hooked up, along with a thick cable with a sonogram camera attached to the end. All of sudden, the steady pace of beeps returned, and the doctor had a questioning look of calm. She ran the camera over Mommy’s stomach. All eyes were on the video monitor above. The black screen flickered. Soon, we were able to see our daughter floating around in the womb. Everything was normal. The doctor investigated a few things, paused, and then lifted the camera and began to try to explain what could have happened. All of a sudden, she was interrupted by silence. No beeps, no chimes. Fear refilled the room. The doctor grabbed the camera and moved it around to get an image of my daughter. Then we saw her. My daughter seemed to be effortlessly floating around, while all of us were trying to make out what was happening. The doctor explained that my daughter was grabbing her umbilical cord, stopping her heartbeat and the pace she was living at inside the womb. The doctor later explained that this type of occurrence happens from time to time and is actually a learning experience for the child. As time passes, the child realizes that, as long as she squeezes the umbilical cord, she cannot breathe. After the child tries a few more times, she will usually learn and stop. Here, my daughter was at negative three months old, in a situation where she could not control the environment she was living in, but she could drastically control her own pace.
Many times in life, it is no different than what happened to my daughter. We have very little or no control over the places we enter, whether it is to function within a small room or the country in which we live. But, as we develop clearer vision, we’re able to make adjustments, thus controlling our own pace. The more I personally recognized this, the stronger I was at determining what I can and cannot control outside of myself.
The environment of our mind is of the utmost priority to control, and beyond this, the rest can just follow along. Our mind can change in a fraction of a second, and so can all that follows, like the heart and kidneys that move and cleanse our blood, the digestive system we eat with, the tongue we speak with, and so on.
I soon gained more appreciation for the principle of non-attachment and a greater respect for my outside environments. I’ve felt this in the hospital rooms I’ve sat in, the streets I’ve walked down, the traffic I have waited in, the train cars I’ve ridden on, and the places I’ve written this book in.
Hence, awareness gave me the opportunity to gain control over my mental space, so I was able to set the right pace. It’s like having the right beat for the right song. If I’m on the wrong beat, the song is not going to sound so hot. This is the way my mind works. It has the power to set the pace so my soul vibrates at the correct level. With the right level, I can be in sync with the energy surrounding me, as if I were playing along flawlessly with the greatest jazz trio or even the biggest band.

Rhythm

Rhythm seems to be that inner vibration that lives in your soul. Truly feeling rhythm takes a level of relaxation, and although we can frequently control our pace, rhythm is a bit different.
One day, during one of my many jobs, I was plastering a ceiling. The guy doing construction beside me was sharing his musical dreams and aspirations. He desperately wanted to be a rock star. He told me he played with a band and was releasing a CD. After work, he was heading off to the recording studio. I asked him how he began playing music. He said, “When I was a little boy, my uncle’s friend gave me a drum lesson.” I responded, “Really? I’m taking trumpet lessons. I’m working on getting an understanding of playing with rhythm.” After we spoke about all the principles his uncle’s friend had taught him, Max’s conclusion arose — “You can’t play rhythm. You can only feel it.” Suddenly, I was interrupted by some plaster that fell on my face, so we went back to work. Later, I asked, “Who’s your uncle’s friend?” “He is a jazz drummer who lives in Brooklyn,” he said. I responded, “I’m living in Brooklyn, and I follow jazz. What is his name?” “His name is Max,” he said. I replied, “Max? Max who?” “Max Roach,” he said. “You heard of him?” That moment could not have been any better. My smile was so big, it cracked the now dried plaster on my face. To me and many others, Max Roach is one of the greatest jazz drummers ever, and now whenever I think about rhythm, I think about the late, great Max Roach saying: "You can’t play rhythm. You can only feel it."
Everyone has the power to feel rhythm naturally. Some use drugs and alcohol to get to the level of relaxation that reaches rhythm. The thing to note when one makes this choice is that it often alters the natural inner vibration. So, in exchange for this choice, we forfeit some control over our pace and, more importantly, our mind. This is in addition to introducing another need — the substance we chose to consume.
Regardless of how we choose to feel a sense of rhythm, we will still confront rhythm’s nemesis. Who is this “evil-doer” who dares to go up against the powers of rhythm? (Sorry for the superhero wording, but I cannot help it when I use the word “nemesis or “evil-doer.”) Rhythm’s nemesis is pressure. The more pressure in a situation, the less chance to feel rhythm.
Every time I leave my apartment and head to radiation, the pressure builds. As much as I try to control it, it still seems to start. I fight it on every trip. But over and over, I keep hearing this conversation between my mind and my body.
My BODY says: “I can’t take any more of this. Why are you doing this to me?”
My MIND responds: “Work with me here. This all makes sense. The X’s and O’s say this is what shall be done.”
My SPIRIT interrupts: “You two keep quiet, because I know how much we all love life, and what is happening now will hopefully give us each more days to live.”
Almost all pressure starts from the inside and is self-imposed. But what else do we possess inside ourselves that can repel this feeling of pressure that is constantly battling rhythm? We can have faith, courage, discipline, and a willingness to learn, so we can build a level of confidence and be able to trust a pace that is unfamiliar to us. If we can do this in any environment or situation, we will be able to just “feel the rhythm.”

Discipline

There have been quite a few times in my life when I thought I was at the correct pace, but I still felt out of rhythm. I soon realized that there was something lying beneath the pressures I faced, and often, it was my self-created fear of discipline. As adults, we are ultimately responsible for our own self-discipline. When I was a child, it was a challenge to value how the addition of discipline could change my life. My parents were pretty wiped out from raising and instilling discipline in the first four kids before me. Although they did their best, they often had little time or energy to instill a strong foundation of discipline in me. Maybe this is why I ended up making some mistakes in my life. I learned from them, but in time, I also learned the ever-so-important value of discipline.
When I was about six years old, I was taken out of class one afternoon. I sat down at a round, wooden table in a small room, across from a woman who began to show me all sorts of abstract images, cubes with patterns, and a series of other tests. I was asked my thoughts on them and what I perceived from the images. At the time, I did not know the reason I was even in this room, but further testing occurred for the next twelve years of my life. Along the way, I was told that I thought in a different way than the other kids and that I had a learning disability, dyslexia. The list goes on and on of all the different feedback and conclusions I was given. I just saw myself struggling more and more as each year passed. I squeezed by academically from grade to grade, trying to avoid being placed in “special ed.” I saw most of my friends move on to the next grades effortlessly, while I was fearful of being left back. Later, I managed to graduate high school, and somehow, I squeezed into college. But after the first few months, I was intimidated by my dyslexia and dropped out. I then decided to give my street smarts a try, which worked on a financial level, but morally and spiritually, I fell flat on my face. Yet, with some faith, I fortunately freed myself from my fears.
Today, I wonder if I was being motivated by fear, the fear of not being left back or not being with my friends, to whom I had grown attached. Perhaps later it was the fear of going to jail. Being faced with fear and attachment issues can cause difficulties in finding a sense of self-discipline. Self-discipline and non-attachment is what I lacked and desperately needed as I faced my mental challenges and my development toward being honest with myself and my troublesome situation.
Later in life, as I gained an understanding of discipline, I became more receptive to the motivating words I often heard or read. For example, I heard things like, “I can choose to be the first one in the gym and the last one to leave.” There were also similar quotes while in training for basketball teams. It was not only the accomplishments that resulted from self-discipline that stimulated me, but being able to create a plan and enjoying the efforts of the process. I saw that, if I can create my own discipline, I can create my own destiny. With the power to change my destiny, I could change my present reality.
Many have the idea that discipline will bring suffering rather than happiness. Most fundamental thoughts of discipline usually root back to childhood, often from being told or scorned to do something of which we had no desire. “Clean your room!” “Do your homework!” “You’re late! Give me twenty push-ups!” and so on. The joy in discipline is overlooked because finding joy in the early ages of our life was usually associated with a kind of “currency” we only received for performing these tasks. The “currency” might have been receiving a “dessert” or “being able play with friends.” As adults, our intellect and reason have developed more; therefore, our relationship with discipline is more clear and understandable.
But this clarity can only happen if we are able to use our “tool of vision” in the best way possible. If we can respect the power and accuracy of our vision, we as adults will have an easier time accepting self-discipline. We have the power to manifest the realities of our currencies of choice. Many adults do not want to face this fact and only accept what they are given as their realities. The truth is that they asked for whatever “currency” they possess. For example, it could be a new car or picking up your kid from school each day.
The healthier we are with our mental discipline, the more joy we find in our efforts in route to receiving the “currency.” But will this “currency” only fulfill our own needs or the needs of the universe? When it comes to defining “wealth” or “currency,” most look at the amount of a dollar. But if we were to broaden our perspectives of currency, perhaps more would feel as if we are “wealthy.” As a result, we might be less fearful of losing a portion of a particular currency, understanding the possibility of gaining more of another. For example, we may lose a couple of bucks or a few hours of work in exchange for the energy we feel when we pick up our children from school.

Energy

Suppose the inside of your body is a farm. On your farm, you grow corn, water the crop, keep it clean, take good care of it, and make sure your corn has a wonderful taste. When the corn is ready to eat, you pick the stalk. You cannot eat all of the corn yourself, so you decide to give a few ears away. You give it away to friends, family, and people you do not even know. Now these other people have your corn. Some find the perfect size pot to boil the water, cook it up, butter it, put salt on it, and handle each end with care to ensure that they do not miss one kernel. They take a bite and are beaming with pleasure. To them, this is the best-tasting corn they have ever had. When they finish, they tell you all about how delicious it was. Others take the corn and do not know what to do with it, so they throw it out, while still others will take the corn but do not feel like eating it. They store it in the freezer to save for another day. Some take the corn and use it to make other dishes like cornbread, corn tortillas, or corn soup to share with other people. You have a choice to be emotionally affected by people’s opinions of the corn itself or by what they choose to do with your gift of corn. But the truth is that, if you had never taken the corn off the stalk and given it away, the crop would have died in the field, thus keeping the next crop from being healthy or growing at all. No matter what people decide to do with your corn, others are needed in order for your crop to continue to grow.
What is this corn? Corn can be a number of things. In my life, corn is love and energy. Most of the positive changes in my life started with having faith and understanding energy. This is why I feel that it is so important to put in an effort towards making accurate assessments of our surrounding energy. There are two forms of energy, material and non-material. I am no scientist, but I will give you my theory. Material energy contains matter of a tangible nature and can be touched. For example, we can touch a cup of tea, a computer, a DVD disc, a church building, a person, a book, and so on. Non-material energy does not contain matter. It’s intangible and cannot be touched. The significance of this energy comes from what is “given off,” which is usually a feeling. For instance, this would include our feelings after drinking a cup of hot tea or what we might feel as we view images on a computer, as well as the mood of a theater after watching a film, the passion felt by the choir in a church, the love felt when sitting beside a loved one, or maybe even your thoughts as you turn each page of this book. Whether it is material or non-material energy, the most valuable lesson I have learned is to be unattached to its infinite feelings.

Non-Attachment (Who’s the Champ?)

The importance of non-attachment is at its highest when it comes to “letting go” of what we love. I have seen so many people (me included) holding on to things, as well as people, with their dear lives. Often, with this behavior, we have a hard time accepting change, and we fear change even more than death. But what we usually fail to accept and see is that, without change, we do not live, because all people must change to allow ourselves and others the freedom to grow.
My dog, Luke, is sixteen years old, and most people are shocked to learn this because they believe he is only sixteen months old. Sure, one can have this opinion based on his appearance, but most draw this conclusion from his spirit. When asked for his secret, I usually respond by saying, “He has regular habits, feels his freedom every day, and most importantly, receives plenty of love.” As I share Luke’s “non-aging secrets,” I realize that his needs are no different than ours as humans. Even though we do not regularly receive bowls of kibble or freely chase squirrels each morning, the very least we can do is to have regular habits when we chase dreams and give and receive love regularly.
Feeling freedom is not only a key to living a happy and healthy life but also to having a loving relationship of any kind. Yet, if we continue to fight with “letting go,” then we keep picking a fight with freedom.
If we look at history, what have all fights against freedom really taught us? If we research deeply enough, we might find freedom to be undefeated. Over centuries, years, months, and even minutes, freedom may have lost some battles, but freedom has won the wars. One might question my conclusion about freedom. I look at the wars of slavery, the Holocaust, and so on, and yes, a lot of lives and battles have been lost, but I feel freedom won those wars in the end. Someone might ask me, “Hey Paul, what about Palestine and all the wars that are going on right now?” Yes, people will continue to lose their lives, and battles will still be lost, but in time, freedom will win. It may take a second or a century, but in all corners of the world, we will have the undisputed world champion — freedom (“ding ding”).
With this conclusion, I wonder if there is any reason to become attached to anything because, as long as we are willing to let go of what we are attached to, we can increase our chances of feeling free. This does not mean abandoning what we love. More importantly, it means allowing it to feel free, starting with ourselves. Then we will possess the ammunition loaded in the weapon that is used when freedom won all its wars. And what do you think that is? There is only one thing in the palm of freedom’s fist that makes it the world champion, and that is love.
Historically, freedom’s army has had many great warriors and soldiers, each of whom were so unattached to themselves that they gave up their bodies and minds. They sacrificed themselves so others could feel free and keep the one thing alive that they did not give up — their spirit and love for others.
We could not live for what we believe in today if those did not die for what they believed for our tomorrow.

Choices

To be attached or unattached to something first is a choice for most people, and choices only present themselves when we are in a relationship. It starts with the relationship with ourselves and often depends on one’s spiritual beliefs of our creator. Beyond these relationships, it is our intuitive nature to be with others that leads us to more and more choices.
As I write this, I cannot help but think of the many people I meet and speak to on a daily basis. Whether it is family, friends, or the new people I encounter, so many of them make the same choices or repeat the same habits of how they treat themselves and others. Over time, their relationship patterns become the foundations of their existence. And before they recognize the patterns, change seems out of reach.
I can sit here collecting and examining countless examples of others’ relationship patterns that I have witnessed, and I am sure any one of us can do the same. The truth is, I have not grown if I cannot recognize the patterns of my own relationships. The important part of self-reflection is to remember that it starts with our vision, not the vision of those outside of us.
What do I see as a pattern of my own relationships? Perhaps it is fear, fear of exposing who I really am. When I get close to exposing myself, I find other places to distract myself from the one place that often is right in front of me. This place is often my partner or my art. Sure, at times this fear might have been justified because this one place or person was not a safe place for me to expose myself. However, there were plenty of times when I walked away from a safe place out of fear. My struggle to break this pattern is something I often work on, as I try to find a balance with the love I give to my lover and with my art. In the past, I was typically faced with one or the other. When I had a safe place in my lover, I could not find this safety in my art and vice versa. I ask myself, “What keeps getting in the way of balancing both?” Answer: I keep getting in the way of my ability to see how my life can be different than what I have experienced in the past, my ability to see my life being happier in the present and my possibilities of changing future patterns.
So often in our lives, we get in the way of our own happiness by blurring our vision of what will honestly makes us happy. Insecurity many times diminishes feelings of confidence and our ability to use our “tool of vision.” Yet the less we fear the truth, the more things will become clear, thus exposing what can truly make us happy. For myself, when I was not confident, I would get scared and repeat the same behavior so I could see the same “image” of happiness. Looking back, I realize that it was just an image. Now, those times inspire me to work toward a clearer vision. Hence, happiness will no longer be an “image.” It will be a “feeling.

Rules of Cool

My sister Maria used to make fun of me because, when I was a kid, I used to make this silly drawing of a hand making a “thumbs up” sign. Underneath the drawing, I would write “Paul is cool.” I later asked myself, “Why was I so concerned with being ‘cool’?” Maybe at the time, I functioned with the ideology, “If I’m cool, I will be popular.” Maybe this “popular” meant that I was to be more accepted by society. Today, any ambition I have of being “cool” is replaced with being “at peace.” Thus, I have come to realize that, as long as I’m “at peace,” there will always be a place for me in society because it is human nature to feel this way. I can only hope this will one day be the “popular” choice for all.
As I reflect on my early ambitions of being “cool” and my later goal of feeling “at peace,” I realize that these two states share similar rules:
1) Being “cool” or “at peace” is only a feeling. It is not a look, an image, or a number. It is just an internal feeling that sometimes reaches others. But, if and when it reaches another, it will still just be his or her feeling of us, not the image of us.
2) Those who feel at peace have a better chance of being cool rather than those who just want to feel power.
3) Anyone who is “trying” to be cool is not cool. Anyone trying to be at peace is cool.
4) Cool is choosing to make your mind healthier than it is presently. This ultimately will lead to being at peace.
5) Honestly feeling at peace is cool.

Who is the Judge?

The only way we can truly feel “at peace” or “cool” is to view the essence of our character with healthy a mind. But who is to judge the health of one’s mind? Doctors, therapists, trainers, nutritionists, health specialists, friends, family, and many others can use their professional and personal opinions.
Let’s say hypothetically that it is possible for someone to judge the health status of your mind. Let’s say the judge’s name is Joe. On the day Joe makes his decision, do we want him to show up on drugs? Do we want Joe to have not slept the night before? Do we want Joe to be overworked and stressed? Do we want Joe to be sick and out of shape? Do we want Joe to be a dishonest person? Last question: Who is Joe? Joe is you. Ultimately, you are the only one who can make a truthful determination of the health of your mind.

The Track of Our Spirit

I underwent radiation treatment to my brain and my entire spine. This lasted for five days a week for six weeks (31 treatments total). I got through it, but what a toll it took on my mind and body. As I’ve battled through the many challenges over the past six months, I keep hearing conversations similar to this one:
My BODY bickers: “Boy, what are you doing to me? More toxicity? I can’t take it today.”
My MIND makes matters worse: “What are you going to do when we both lay here still?”
My SPIRIT stops the stress: “Each of you may be still on any day, but know that I’m strong, and I will live on beyond these times of tension because I’m the “track” or trail that each of you travel on until it’s time to get off. I, the spirit, will stay steady until my next day or destination.”
Having a healthy mind involves a quest for truth. But we will never be able to recognize the truth in others if we are not honest with ourselves. So if we strive for an honest understanding of the energy we choose to give our minds, we will be more capable of realizing what our bodies need. At times, it may seem like our mind and body are moving forward, side by side, on a track. Sometimes, one might be ahead of the other. Yet, beneath all this movement is the “track” itself.
The “track” is our spirit. The more we feel our minds and bodies making strides, the more comfortable these movements will be with a healthy spirit. If this is so, we will feel confident on this track. We will accept and understand that we are not alone. We will respect and be prepared for the turns this track may take. Through our experiences, we will feel that this “spiritual track” is strong enough to support us, no matter at what pace we are moving forward. The most amazing part is there is no finish line. Any goal we want to reach lies in the truth and essence of our own character.

Character or Carpentry

A young lady was about to go running on a nearby track when she sat beside me on a park bench. We started to talk, and our discussion led to “what we were doing in life at that time.” I shared with her about my job as a carpenter and my love of painting. She told me about her job in finance, which she was no longer interested in, and how she wanted to do something else. Soon, we began a discussion on carpentry. I shared my thoughts of how “a good piece of carpentry needs to function well, be stable, and have an attractive design.” I look back at that day and think, “Maybe what we both were doing with our lives at the time was simply looking for a safe place to put our love.” My safe place at that time came from my art and the things I assembled with my hands, but truthfully, the “safe place” comes with “no assembly required.” This place is so often another human being. Still, even though they are preassembled, none of the components are “perfectly” assembled to be with those of another.
Whether it was myself or witnessing it in another at some point, we each need to rebuild, renovate, or refinish some part of our character if we want it to work with the uniqueness of another individual’s. These parts relate to how stable we are, how we function, and our overall design.

Levels and Layers

I feel that the three basic fundamentals of creation are function, design, and stability. These principals can be plugged into almost anything, be it a building, a book, or even a human being. As for a “human being,” I see it as nine “layers” as follows:
Function Level - Layer Alone, Layer with Another, Layer with Others.
Design Level - Visual Layer, Compositional Layer, Simple Layer.
Stability Level - Physical Layer, Emotional Layer, Resource Layer.

The Stability Level - Physical Layer, Emotional Layer, Resource Layer

If a shelf has to support five pounds, it needs to be stable enough to hold the given weight, just as a parent who has five kids has to have the physical, emotional, and resource stability to be substantial enough to support the given weight of the children. Achieving the right balance gives us the possibility of setting a solid foundation so we can function on all levels, thus having the capability to not only support ourselves but ultimately also support others. Building the layers of physical and emotional stability makes it possible for us to obtain the resources needed for us to survive and grow.
Physical Layer
I have been blessed to be close to some great teachers, healers, trainers, and mentors. Looking at these “greats,” I’ve found a common practice of assessing the intake of a person’s energy to diagnose what is needed to help. I later realized that, out of these “greats,” the wisest ones never overlooked the power of non-material energy and how it might eventually affect one physically. As a result, our emotions affect our actions, and our actions affect our health, strength, and overall physical stability.
Emotional Layer
Our emotional stability can clearly affect our relationships with ourselves and others, as well as our ability to use all of the tools we are given. It first starts with trusting that we are in a safe place to share our emotions. The more courage we have to honestly admit to what is making us feel emotionally stable or unstable, the more solid we will feel about the direction any relationship might take.
Along the way, we need to value the weight of our criticism, hoping it will serve as a way towards actions to build strength. As a result, we will be able to determine the truth of any other outside critic than ourselves.
Reflecting on my own efforts to find the truth, so much came from what was felt in the silence, both when I was around others and with myself. When this silence was “golden,” I have created a better level of emotional stability.
Resource Layer
In efforts to maintain the stability of our character, it is important not to overlook the resources needed to help us be physically and emotionally stable. Sometimes, it’s money, time, food, drink, shelter, or people to help. The list can go on. But I feel it starts by building on what we are naturally given, as well as using the many tools that can help us survive, grow, and heal.
I’ve been around a fair amount of financially wealthy people in my life. The ones I’ve most respected were the ones who taught me two things: (1) Always work at becoming resourceful and stable on other levels than just financial wealth, and (2) Use the resources we are naturally given to help others, as well as ourselves, to achieve stability in their own processes of creation and growth.
At times, some of these financially stable people have come face-to-face with death. At these times, many of them made it clear to me that, although their financial wealth gave them choices, they could not control the outcomes of their choices.
There are infinite amounts of resources out there that can be built on. It’s just a matter of choosing the right one at the right time. But we are all blessed to have the greatest natural resource that is needed for everything to be stable — love.

The Function Level - Layer Alone, Layer with Another, Layer with Others

Each person’s character has different social and spiritual gifts that become more apparent when we function alone, with another, or within a group. For example, one may naturally connect and function with other people, whereas others might be at ease alone and feel uneasy with another person or a group. In each case, our need should surface so it can be apparent where to place our efforts to grow.
Layer Alone
Understanding ourselves when we are alone usually requires self-reflection. Often, we tap into our beliefs in spirituality or religion to reach an honest understanding of ourselves in order to handle and enjoy being alone. Regardless of our specific beliefs, I feel it is helpful to look at the past and present as learning lessons. These lessons should not interrupt or stunt our growth but rather inspire us to make adjustments to be more at peace during the times we are alone in the future.
Layer with Another
When it comes to functioning with another, communication is the priority. The more trust and respect we have for others, the better the communication will be for another. As a result, we can make the proper adjustments to function effortlessly and compassionately. But there are two halves to a whole, so both need to do their part in communicating if they want to build a loving relationship and function effortlessly.
Layer with Others
A few months passed from my first conversation with “the young lady on the park bench.” She later invited me to a gathering with a group of her friends. I sensed she was a little worried about how I might function in a social setting, even though she enjoyed my company in the one-on-one setting. She knew it had been a while since I had been to any event of this kind, because I was so entrenched in the beginning stages of this book. When I arrived, I felt blessed and even a bit surprised at my ability to feel the social energy of the group and function pleasingly with others.
How one might function in a social group opposed to a one-on-one setting can be drastically different. Functioning in a group is intuitive to most of us, but too many times, our intuitions are buried under our insecurities. However, the more secure we feel, the less we will be intimidated by the energy that surrounds us as we enter any room, whether it is a vacant one, a dining room, a living room, or the universe in which we live.

The Design Level -Visual Layer, Compositional Layer, Simple Layer

Although I have great appreciation for stability and function, I often realize that design is what is seen, and it acts as the cosmetic link to what is built. Good design is what makes things look and feel seamless and often sets the tone for the future. Both in carpentry and one’s character, it is what someone first sees that inspires others to create something new at an equal or better level.
Visual Layer
Design on the visual level is important in order to be attractive to another, but it is equally important how one feels about him- or herself. How each of us need to act will change, and thus the visual design might change. But I feel that, whatever changes happen to our visuals, it is important to have an unattached eye as to how one looks, as well as openness for what may come in the future. As a result, the visual layer can maintain the flexibility needed so we can view anything as “beautiful,” even if sometimes what is beautiful to us is unstable and doesn’t function as well as we would like.
I’m clearly no fashion guru and probably can pick out a door better than a dress. But I spent time around some sharp, cutting-edge people who are always at the top of their “visual game.” Some of these people have had the power to change society’s visual game. Many of these people agree with the idea that “it is not what you wear but how you wear it.” For example, I think this starts with a smile. It is not that one is wearing a smile but how they feel when they “wear” it. An honest smile can center us mentally and visually. If it was not for a smile, I might not have talked to that woman on the park bench.
Compositional Layer
Being centered has to do with placement. Placement has to do with the composition of a design. Composition has to do with balance. It is the overall feeling of how pleasing something is that is seen. For example, without an honest smile, this “girl on the park bench” and I may have never felt composed enough to meet each other. As for balance of the visual, our choice often comes as to where we want to put our attention. For example, do we want to place our attention towards how we look or feel? Or should we focus on balancing what is needed at a given time?
Simple Layer
A lot of great design has a layer of simplicity. In terms of the technical tools of today, one might say how “user-friendly” something is. I see this for humans in how approachable and accepting we are of our own views and actions. For example, when others encounter us, perhaps they feel openness and understanding before words are even exchanged. I find this to be one of the most rewarding things because the positive energy given off can be felt by those around us, no matter how we might look visually. Often, it comes down to choices as to what and who I want to be near. It is important to ask ourselves if someone might make our life more complicated or create a simple, happy design for our charter and life.
It has been years since my first meeting with “the girl on the park bench.” Much has changed. She is no longer working in finance, and I rarely do carpentry anymore. As it turned out, the “safe place” we were looking for became the love we found in each other. Sometimes, we made our lives simple, and other times, it was complicated. Eventually, we moved in different directions, but we were blessed with a better understanding of how we will build and rebuild the levels and layers of our individual characters.
I often find that my quest in life, for the most part, is for an understanding of truth and beauty in efforts to be in sync with nature. The tough part for me is that, because I can see so much as “beautiful,” it becomes a challenge find out if it is honest or true. Part of me knows I will never find the truth without the proper use of my senses.

The Fifth and Sixth Sense

Having more mental control of my “five senses” helped me access my tool of vision. Soon, I had a better understanding of an infinite amount of senses (“the sixth sense”) that gave me a clearer mental dialogue. I’d experienced this mental dialogue before. I’ve called it “intuition,” “that little voice,” “my gut is telling me,” or “in my heart.” Now, I just group this infinite amount of senses together and call them my “sixth sense.” However we choose to name this “sixth sense,” it is now being heard at a louder volume and with clearer articulation. Without this increased volume, I would not have the strength or confidence to make important decisions for myself or be able to help others.
I feel my sixth sense is constantly challenged, such as when I walk through the doors of the Montefiore Children’s Hospital where I volunteer. When I enter the adolescent dialysis unit with the seven recliner chairs, I see children who are having their blood cleansed by a machine for four hours. My “sixth sense” and “tool of vision” has to be in tip-top shape. My own scenario of suffering has to be set aside to focus on who is in need outside of me. Sure, logical questions arise in my mind. “Who did I work with last week?” “Who has recently been admitted?” “Who is asking for me today?” Sometimes, it’s “Who might not be alive next week?” Ultimately, my direction comes down to my sixth sense. So, I go ahead and grab some paint or a pen and just follow the directions of my spirit. When that direction says, “Move to another kid,” I follow. When that direction says, “Do not enter the unit and talk to the parents in the waiting room,” I follow. When that direction says, “Play a game” or “Just be still and pray,” I follow. When that direction says, “Leave,” I follow. Just in that one room, there are thousands of directions in which I can travel. When I exit that room and enter the next one, whether it is the street, the job site, or my home, the task is the same. Each day, I strive to stay in touch with my sixth sense and follow it with no hesitation in whichever direction it may lead me.
Many times, when I exit the dialysis unit and walk down the halls of the hospital, I often encounter a loving exchange of energy with people who do not have full use of their “five senses” or who have limited use of motor skills. Each encounter makes me realize that the use of all five senses is not always a priority to access one’s sixth sense. In fact, many times the path to accessing an infinite amount of senses is actually closer if you have a limitation or disability of your five senses. As I reflect on the large amounts of people with disabilities in their five main senses, I notice the extra powers of love they have acquired and are able to give. This evidence is one of the most clear and basic examples of the tool of vision in relationship to one’s sixth sense.

Your sixth sense is so powerful that it can keep everything in balance. To better understand its power, I visualize a two-sided scale. One side consists of our five senses, and the other side contains the power of our sixth sense. The power of your sixth sense can sit alone on one side, while the other side is heavily weighted with your five senses. Still, the scale is perfectly balanced. Truly being in touch with all our senses can help to cultivate hope, faith, and courage, and this is what we will need when trying to achieve balance. These are usually starting points towards our choice of action and choosing to change the way we use the most powerful tool ever created, the “tool of vision.”

Conclusion - When to Walk

“Well, look at this. The Earth has turned again, and it is morning. ‘Hello, Sun.’” Today, I have thoughts of completion. It is accompanied by the understanding that there is a no real end to anything, but it is our choice as to the reality and contents of this “anything.” For instance, it can be suffering or happiness. I started out wondering what my capabilities were after all that has gone on in these past few months. I wondered if I still had the ability to share my word. Maybe? I didn’t know. What I did know is that I was facing the same questions I asked myself when I began. What do I do? How should I describe myself? Am I still a carpenter able to build things that are stable and function effortlessly with a great design? Or will I always be an artist, hoping to exercise others’ abilities to look at things differently? Can I still be a director, giving instruction to help people get to a particular destination? If my choice is to be a director, then where is the destination? I think this lies in the individual, though I do feel that any of our destinations should be places where we can give, receive, and rest our love.
No matter what I do, it always seems to come down to getting to the right place and knowing when the right time to leave is. Writing this book was the right place for me. But as I have reached this particular page, I feel it is time for me to walk. I thank you for allowing me to share my words with you. Maybe what I have expressed will provide some direction. As for me, I will continue to head in my own direction of learning, living, and loving. Maybe we can help each other along the way.
Much love always, Paul Carluccio