Choices

To be attached or unattached to something first is a choice for most people, and choices only present themselves when we are in a relationship. It starts with the relationship with ourselves and often depends on one’s spiritual beliefs of our creator. Beyond these relationships, it is our intuitive nature to be with others that leads us to more and more choices.

As I write this, I cannot help but think of the many people I meet and speak to on a daily basis. Whether it is family, friends, or the new people I encounter, so many of them make the same choices or repeat the same habits of how they treat themselves and others. Over time, their relationship patterns become the foundations of their existence. And before they recognize the patterns, change seems out of reach.

I can sit here collecting and examining countless examples of others’ relationship patterns that I have witnessed, and I am sure any one of us can do the same. The truth is, I have not grown if I cannot recognize the patterns of my own relationships. The important part of self-reflection is to remember that it starts with our vision, not the vision of those outside of us.

What do I see as a pattern of my own relationships? Perhaps it is fear, fear of exposing who I really am. When I get close to exposing myself, I find other places to distract myself from the one place that often is right in front of me. This place is often my partner or my art. Sure, at times this fear might have been justified because this one place or person was not a safe place for me to expose myself. However, there were plenty of times when I walked away from a safe place out of fear. My struggle to break this pattern is something I often work on, as I try to find a balance with the love I give to my lover and with my art. In the past, I was typically faced with one or the other. When I had a safe place in my lover, I could not find this safety in my art and vice versa. I ask myself, “What keeps getting in the way of balancing both?” Answer: I keep getting in the way of my ability to see how my life can be different than what I have experienced in the past, my ability to see my life being happier in the present and my possibilities of changing future patterns.

So often in our lives, we get in the way of our own happiness by blurring our vision of what will honestly makes us happy. Insecurity many times diminishes feelings of confidence and our ability to use our “tool of vision.” Yet the less we fear the truth, the more things will become clear, thus exposing what can truly make us happy. For myself, when I was not confident, I would get scared and repeat the same behavior so I could see the same “image” of happiness. Looking back, I realize that it was just an image. Now, those times inspire me to work toward a clearer vision. Hence, happiness will no longer be an “image.” It will be a “feeling.